There has been a spate of emails going around titled Good Wifes Guide. I feel I need to redress the balance somewhat so have made up my own Guidelines for the modern Housewife.
A wife’s guide for 2008
By Liz Jury©
· Have dinner ready. Line up several takeaway menus next to the Visa bill on the breakfast bar. This is a way of letting him know that you have been at least thinking about dinner. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. Therefore make sure you phone your take-away order in ahead of time ensuring he can collect it on his way home from work.
· Prepare yourself. Get changed into your old trackies or those comfy pyjamas, and pour yourself a glass of wine.
· Be gay. Remember its okay to add a bit of spice to your marriage. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
· Clear away the clutter. Make sure your coffee group friends have all gone home before your husband arrives, and pour yourself another glass of wine.
· Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc, and pop them all on the dining room table until someone claims them.
· Over the cooler months of the year, don’t forget to wear your big rabbit slippers, they are comfy and will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. Pour yourself a glass of wine.
· Prepare the children. Remind them not to tell Daddy about the dent in the rear bumper of the car, which happened that afternoon at the mall, or they can forget about getting that playstation game.
· Be Happy to see him. Especially if he brings wine with the dinner.
· Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire. The wine should help here.
· Listen to him. Blathering on and on about his day. Remember, to him his topics of conversation are more important than yours. You may need to pour another glass of wine at this stage.
· Make the evening his. And remind him that the kids need a bath and hair wash before he reads them their bedtime stories. After that he might like to load the dishwasher.
· Your goal. Ah... have another glass of wine.
· Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. You are probably becoming a little incoherent at this stage, but what the hell open another bottle.
· Make him comfortable. Offer him a glass of wine.
· Arrange his pillow, and then lie back and watch Coronation Street.
· Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement. It will be enough for him trying to recall why the hell he married you in the first place.
· A good wife always knows her place. Credit card in one hand, glass of wine in the other.